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I know I haven’t been on here in awhile but it’s because I’ve been having muscle spasms in my fingers and arms and it makes it difficult to type because I end up hitting way more buttons due to my fingers twitching. It’s all a part of the nerves in my back when he pulled them over the new larger cage that was placed in there, it caused my right leg and areas on my foot to go completely numb. I have zaps of what feels like an electrical small jolt through my arms and into my fingers. I have also been having bad spasms in my legs. I’m doing ok. I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain in my back still, and I’m hoping it’s just surgery pain. The pain I was feeling prior to surgery has subsided and I’m just feeling the surgery/healing pain. I usually nod off pretty easily and it’s hard for me to stay awake for a few hours at a time.
I just want all of this to end and I don’t have to worry about surgeries and pain anymore. I’m bound to the bed for 6-8 weeks and then I can slowly move around but with care. My incision has been the most of my concern lately. It has not healed together and it’s open. I’ve been keeping it covered, but the problem I have is when I roll over to my side to sit up, I feel it open up again. I had dermabond on there which is a strong skin glue and there are many stitches on the inside of my stomach, but I had to take the dermabond off due to being very very allergic to it. I had no idea that I was so allergic. Therefore, the incision is having a hard time closing. I will call the office Monday and probably have to schedule an appointment to be seen.
This has not been an easy recovery. The numbness and pressure in my legs doesn’t sound like much, but I feel like the circulation is cut off, although it isn’t.
This is all very exhausting and there are days I feel like I can’t go through this anymore and I feel hopeless. It’s really really tough to rely on people for EVERY. LITTLE. THING. I mean everything. There are days I just want my privacy and dignity back, but it is quickly taken when I have to do something that I would rather do privately. I feel so stuck and it’s a really lonely feeling. Everyone is enjoying the holidays and going here and there, and I’m…..stuck. I feel overwhelmed and filled with emotions and I just want to scream. When will I ever go back to being a normal person?

But on a brighter note, I’ve received support from people I don’t even know. The cards and letters are very uplifting to read. I couldn’t thank them enough. I know I go through times of doubt and frustration, but I will get through this!
Well that’s it for now, it has taken me several hours of stopping and coming back to it, to be able to finish most of what I wanted to type :)

Day 1 at home post op

Well, I am home and doing ok. God certainly looked out for me during the drive home, as it wasn’t as bad as we had anticipated. I think a lot of it had to do with the heated leather seats and it provided comfort, as well as Greg’s awesome driving this time. He was really careful and I had a pillow on my stomach. The one thing I cannot handle is the numbness on my right foot and cramping up my calf. Even though the pain in my stomach and spine is worse, I knew to expect this kind of pain. The numbness in my toe was not what I signed up for and it’s very painful. It feels like a rubber band wrapped right around my toe and no blood is getting to it. I really expect to wake up one day and my toe is black because the way it feels is the same. I am not able to sleep because it is just so intense and it wakes me up. It’s really hard to rest somewhat comfortably because of it feeling like pins and needles whenever my toe slides against the sheets. Going through this surgery again makes me feel like I’ve taken so many steps backwards and now I have a new problem that I don’t know if it will even go away. I think to myself, why me? Why is this happening to me and prevents me from doing so much in life. I feel like I’ve lost almost 4 years of my life and I will never get it back. I pray the pain goes away and I get feeling back in my foot.

My incision is a good small size. I’m glad it wasn’t anything huge and gross and it can be easily hidden since it’s on my lower abdomen. Dermabond was put over the incision to keep it together and I have a massive amount of stitches inside my stomach all the way across because they made the internal incision much bigger to access my spine. I’m allergic to most tapes and anything plastic stuck to my skin. I get an allergic reaction and my skin turns red. I did not even think that the dermabond would cause an allergic reaction. I have a bad rash and it’s gotten really bad. Here’s hoping to a clean and fast healing process!
I’m in pain, but I’m able to handle it, so far. They have me taking OxyContin, Dilaudid every 2-4 hours, Baclofen, and Nucynta. The meds seem to be keeping the edge off and makes it a bit more bearable to use my stomach muscles more when trying to move. I have plenty of help from My husband and he’s been so good to me and really helps me with things that need to be done around the house.
Sorry for the all-over-the-place rambling. I definitely feel foggy :)

When the pain becomes too much

There are days where I truly cannot stand the pain. I feel like the world is passing me by as I constantly lay in bed. I know many of you are going through the same thing and are struggling. I want you to know that you CAN get through this! We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have moments of weakness and feelings of anger and overwhelmed. I am new to tumblr, but I want to reach out to others that are struggling and know that they have someone to talk to and receive support. I know exactly what you’re going through because I struggle every day. We will all get through this together!

Pain

There are so many things I could sit and think that my life really sucks right now, but I know it doesn’t and I know I’m blessed with the family and husband that I have. God has provided so much for us and I’m forever thankful. It’s so hard to enjoy all the positive things that God has given us when I am in so much pain. I feel like just when I am becoming more mobile, there is a setback and I’m once again in agonizing pain. It fills me with stress, anxiety, sadness, frustration, anger…… I keep those feelings all balled up sometimes and they are released through tears. I become overwhelmed when I feel like I’m not helping out enough around the house the way I should. I don’t know when I’m being too hard on myself and I push harder. My hips, back, and legs feel like they just don’t want to be attached to my body any longer so they protest their existence by sending horrible stabbing, burning pain throughout those said areas with any twist I make or distribution of my weight throughout each section. My husband is very supportive but very busy with school and work and I feel like such a burden to him. I would give anything for this pain to go away.
I see my neurosurgeon in two weeks to talk about the surgery he wants to perform on my spine. He says I have no bone growth and have not healed at all from my spinal fusion a year ago. I just feel lost and want someone to talk to who knows what I’m going through and can give me support. It can be so lonely sometimes and overwhelming when the people around me don’t really understand to the fullest what I’m going through. A migraine, most people can relate on some level….. But not when you have a failed spinal fusion surgery. I knew that the risk of having the surgery was not healing, but I didn’t have much of a choice because I have spinal stenosis and I needed to have the surgery to prevent more damage. I would give anything to be the person I was before my spine started going bad. I’m only 27, and I have so much living ahead of me. Will the pain ever go away?????

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